False Starts

My girlfriend ghosted me for the past 3 months. Idk what to do for the next few months in terms of relationships. I don’t know if I was at fault or them. However I still feel that it’s my own fault. I feel that I didn’t do enough and that I underperformed in the relationship. I feel that I, as a person, am not good enough for anyone. And that I should just give up for now or even indefinitely. Maybe I’m meant to be alone for the rest of my life. Even so, I still don’t know where to improve. I’ve tried to reform myself as a person for the past few months, And I felt as if I wasn’t making any progress. I always go back to my roots— A man who hurts himself in the process of trying to help others. A man who has been bottling emotions for 6 years, Until they began to overflow, Leading to a resounding feeling of numbness. Idk if I’m a disappointment or not. Idk if I’m a pushover or not. Idk if I will ever find the answers to these questions about myself either, As I don’t really know much about myself. Idk when or if a time will come when I truly understand who I am And what my purpose is. But for now, I can only aimlessly wander, As I have for the past 5–6 years. Is this life? Or is this the endless abyss of despair? Where is this promised light at the end of the tunnel? When does this tunnel end? WHERE IS THE EXIT? If there is no exit, then how do I escape this? How should I escape this? Is it right for me to escape this tunnel? Do I even deserve to leave this tunnel in the first place? Was there a reason I was shoved into this never-ending tunnel? Was there a reason for any of my life? Or was it all to entertain someone? Am I just here to suffer and entertain the spectator of my life? Is this reality even real? If it is real, then is the only way out to resort to desperate measures? This urge inside of me, fills me with visions of me jumping out of moving cars, and getting hit by trucks, jumping off of cliffs, roofs, and helicopters, and even being another nameless face in the suicide forest of Japan. There are even visions of me holding a knife covered in blood, only the hand holding the bloody knife isn’t attached— I’ve cut it off. These visions started appearing rapidly 5 years ago, and over time with a bit of therapy, they vanished— only to reappear late last year and early this year. I should stop shouting into this empty void. The void only answers back with the words “you don’t belong here.” and “you don’t belong anywhere.” This void inside of my mind Only exists to tear me down and eat away at my sanity and mentality Until nothing remains Other than a husk, only a shell of what it once was. I don’t how much time I have. But I must at least make it to 2030. For their sake. If I can do that, Then I will have served a purpose set by myself: Lead others, help others, meet people, and protect others. Once that is complete, There will be no purpose for me to exist any longer. And I can end it all With no regrets.