Masking

I feel that, for me, I was just masking it and hiding it all— Behind a facade in which people assumed I was calm and collected. However, the opposite was true. I am anything but calm, and I am constantly conflicted, sporadic, unstable. I cared not about what I could do, but what I could not do. I cared for the others around me and still do— More than I care about myself. I’d rather help someone and end up getting hurt in the process than let them get hurt. I’d do my schoolwork, get "good" grades, do "good" on tests, and be "good" at the clarinet. But what does that actually add up to? Nothing. Nothing at all. It’s all just a bunch of illusions to make you appear "special." But when you look down at it, it doesn’t matter. We’re all going to die in the end. We all are just doing random things for the sake of passing time, stuck in an endless loop as if we were NPCs in a video game that have "emotions," "minds," "personalities," "lives." I’m going to stop there before I start spiraling downward indefinitely again. I simply found the right people online, talked with them, **had a downward dive into my own demise (mental health wise)**, and they noticed it and gave me good advice to help guide me to where I am now. My mental health never stopped worsening, though they gave me enough courage to tell my parents and get some help. And now I am here. I don’t feel any better, nor do I "feel" in general. I simply exist without a purpose, and force myself to do what others want me to do or expect of me— nothing more, nothing less. I have no individuality, nor am I truly a person. I am simply a clay figure waiting to be painted over, so as to find its true meaning and purpose in this world.