Why am I still alive, Why am I still alive, Why am I still alive? How can it be I am allowed to yet live? Why couldn’t they live? Why couldn’t it have been me instead? Denied the right to leave this mortal coil thrice, yet forced to watch others do it more than twice. People close to me, I’ve had to watch, as they took that rope you see, forced only to cope. Now I’ve become desensitized to it all, unable to truly feel, what it is that makes one feel whole, what it is to make one human. Forced to watch my only friend, take his own life, not even a teenager, him or I, years later the same fate met by another friend, they had no one else to whom they could relate, so they showered me with all their negative thoughts and hate and negative emotions before taking that gun and pulling the trigger in front of me, the kid I once knew in middle school, used the swings to end it, quite cruel, I tried to off myself already, with overdose, with asphyxiation by rope, with asphyxiation by water, given the all clear by psychiatrists and yet I am still here. No better, no worse, no more, no less, par for the course, lost of course. Broken yet whole yet fractured making a whole, and yet, I’m fine. I’m indifferent, they all were close to me, I was forced to just sit there and watch as they took their own lives. I had no choice in the matter. It all happened so fast, I couldn’t do anything to help or save them. I don’t wish to lose anymore people close to me. What can I do? I’ve tried everything, and yet, I’ve only failed each time shattering me more and more. I must cease and yet I can’t Something won’t let me. I truly am but a broken tool to be used, at least, that’s what those adults who destroyed my concept of love and affection engraved unto me. Who am I, Who do I think I am, saying any of this, even if it is the truth, I don’t deserve to share it.